Why is the tough shit always a surprise?
Curently Listening To: Lover's Waltz- Jay Ungar and Molly Mason
(Heh, ironic, the song Chris and I were supposed to dance to on our wedding, but never got to.)
So here's an update:
I still haven't found a fucking job. It's such a pain in the ass, everywhere I turn my resume in, they just direct me to their website, where my application and ridiculous 33 page Corporate Monkey survey gets filed away with the hundreds of other people that want a job. They tell me not to call, and they tuck my resume in some random crevice behind the customer service counter.
Not very heartening at all. But I've gotta keep trying.
To make matters worse and better at the same time, Chris got a second job. Right away, in fact. Quicker than either of us had expected him to. So now he's working at UPS from 11 pm-3 am, and for Argus Janitorial at the Kaiser Aluminum plant from 6 am to 2 pm. So not only is he working 12 hours a day, and I feel incredibly horrible for the entire thing, but we won't get to see each other at all. especially if I end up getting a job. -_-
On the upside, we'll cut through our debt like nobody's business. He makes $9/hour at UPS, totaling roughly $600 a month, and he makes $8.5/hour at Kaiser, totaling about $1,300 a month, before taxes. So all together, we'll be making nearly $2,000 a month. Which is about what he was making at City Parcel, but without the stupid expenses. And he's going to be quitting UPS here in a few months, after we've at least gotten our wedding rings paid off. On the downside, we'll hardly see each other at all, and I'm still living with Tim. It's going to drive me up a wall being alone with my roomate, and I'm going to be so upset only being with Chris maybe an hour a day, and on about half of the weekend. I'm really dreading this.
-_- Who am I kidding? He'll be making all that money. I've nearly come to believe that I won't be able to find a job. I have nearly no job experience, and I'm too damn afraid of strangers and crowds to work anywhere convinient. I'd like nothing more than to go see a shrink and find out what the fuck is wrong with me, why I get so damn afraid when I'm around new people, and what I can do to make it go away. I feel like I'm putting all of our burden on Chris, and it's really tearing me up inside. I almost feel like I should be punished for it, you know? Like someone should be yelling at me to straighten up. But honestly, that's probably just the little kid in me reacting to a bad situation in a way that I'm familiar.
It seems like no matter how hard I try to improve our situation, I only drive it farther into the ground. Maybe I should just stop trying until I can figure out where I'm fucking up, and how I can fix it. Sometimes I feel really, really damn grateful that Chris married me, because otherwise, I don't know where I'd be, or why he even bothered in the first place. I feel like all I'm doing is continually fucking things up, and making things hard for him. I don't want that at all, I don't even know if that's true, but it's what it feels like to me, more often than I'd like.
(Heh, ironic, the song Chris and I were supposed to dance to on our wedding, but never got to.)
So here's an update:
I still haven't found a fucking job. It's such a pain in the ass, everywhere I turn my resume in, they just direct me to their website, where my application and ridiculous 33 page Corporate Monkey survey gets filed away with the hundreds of other people that want a job. They tell me not to call, and they tuck my resume in some random crevice behind the customer service counter.
Not very heartening at all. But I've gotta keep trying.
To make matters worse and better at the same time, Chris got a second job. Right away, in fact. Quicker than either of us had expected him to. So now he's working at UPS from 11 pm-3 am, and for Argus Janitorial at the Kaiser Aluminum plant from 6 am to 2 pm. So not only is he working 12 hours a day, and I feel incredibly horrible for the entire thing, but we won't get to see each other at all. especially if I end up getting a job. -_-
On the upside, we'll cut through our debt like nobody's business. He makes $9/hour at UPS, totaling roughly $600 a month, and he makes $8.5/hour at Kaiser, totaling about $1,300 a month, before taxes. So all together, we'll be making nearly $2,000 a month. Which is about what he was making at City Parcel, but without the stupid expenses. And he's going to be quitting UPS here in a few months, after we've at least gotten our wedding rings paid off. On the downside, we'll hardly see each other at all, and I'm still living with Tim. It's going to drive me up a wall being alone with my roomate, and I'm going to be so upset only being with Chris maybe an hour a day, and on about half of the weekend. I'm really dreading this.
-_- Who am I kidding? He'll be making all that money. I've nearly come to believe that I won't be able to find a job. I have nearly no job experience, and I'm too damn afraid of strangers and crowds to work anywhere convinient. I'd like nothing more than to go see a shrink and find out what the fuck is wrong with me, why I get so damn afraid when I'm around new people, and what I can do to make it go away. I feel like I'm putting all of our burden on Chris, and it's really tearing me up inside. I almost feel like I should be punished for it, you know? Like someone should be yelling at me to straighten up. But honestly, that's probably just the little kid in me reacting to a bad situation in a way that I'm familiar.
It seems like no matter how hard I try to improve our situation, I only drive it farther into the ground. Maybe I should just stop trying until I can figure out where I'm fucking up, and how I can fix it. Sometimes I feel really, really damn grateful that Chris married me, because otherwise, I don't know where I'd be, or why he even bothered in the first place. I feel like all I'm doing is continually fucking things up, and making things hard for him. I don't want that at all, I don't even know if that's true, but it's what it feels like to me, more often than I'd like.
posted by Ryven at 1:47 AM
6 Comments:
I'm sorry to hear what that you're going through that. It sounds very familiar, honestly. It's really unfortunate about your anxiety around new people, because most entry-level jobs are in the customer service industry...unless you want to apply to any local factories. Those usually pay very well for entry-level work and have long shifts with consistent hours, but you'd be working on an assembly line and it'd be very hot most of the time. *shrug* Always willing to offer suggestions, but I don't know much else I can do.
It's alright, there's not really much you can do, I just felt I had to vent. Thanks for listening, though. *hugs*
Turns out Chris is fed up with UPS, so he's going to quit tomorrow. He came home on Thursday, a few hours after I'd written this, and told me. We won't cut through our debt quite as quickly, but preserving his sanity is more important =D
Agreed, though I still think you should look into the factory thing. I know a lot of people that have done that for just a semester or two. Good luck.
Oh...and you should go here:
http://www.cuteoverload.com/
SO KYUUUUUUUUUUTE!! (sic)
I've seen that site. ZOMG KAWAAAAAIIIIII DESU
Since I've been having so much trouble in the job market, Chris is gonna ask at his new job if there's an opening for a janitorial job, and then see if he can get me in someplace with minimal "human spills". I could deal with that. Hell, if it pays enough, I just might be able to start college.
:)
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